An Asian’s guide to Scientology

The recent divorce of TomKat got me intrigued and curious about Scientology so I started finding out more about it. So last night I watched a BBC documentary on it, on the train to work I watched the South Park episode on it and this morning at work I read the Scientology Wikipedia on it, so I would consider myself somewhat of an expert on the matter. With that in mind let me break it down for all my homies in the 2196 and write about what I took away from my crash course.

The word Scientology is a pairing of the Latin word scientia (“knowledge,” “skill”), which comes from the verb scīre (“to know”), and the Greek λόγος lógos (“word” or “account [of]”). That basically has shit all to do with anything but I added that in to give this article some much needed credibility. So basically the “religion” was created by Science Fiction writer L Ron Hubbard and in a walnut shell it teaches that people are immortal beings that have forgotten their way and their bodies need to be purified before they can become Super Saiyans. They do this with a number of techniques one of them being through the use of a lie detector called an E-Meter. So a person holds onto 2 dildos connected to a meter while another person “audits” them which means they spill out all their confessions as a way of alleviating past pains in their former life. There are different tiers and levels to Scientology which reveal more about their “scripture” but a premium has to be paid to unlock them. The premium being upwards of hundreds of thousands of dollars (Or else you can just read it on Wikipedia, but you cant really if you’re a Scientologist cos the Internet is censored to them). Scientology is the only “religion” where the entire teachings are locked away from followers and money has to be paid to reveal them. The reasoning behind this is because they believe if you access this information without being ready, your body will self destruct….in 3,2,1. Tehehe that was a Mission Impossible reference by the way. So if refinancing your mortgage to be able to learn more about a “religion” doesnt sound like a scheme the Egyptians came up with many years ago then go and buy yourself a few miracle weight loss pills.

So yeah when your powerball number finally comes around and you can afford to get to Tier 3 – known as OT 3 – you get to learn about Xemu (also known as Galactus to comic fans). Xemu (pronounced “Zeeeee mooooooooOOOOooOo”) was a meglomaniac tyrant who got his hands on the cosmic cube and enslaved all these poor aliens (for some reason Im picturing Kif from Futurama) and sent them on a crash course into the volcanoes of Hawaii. The souls (XP points) of these poor aliens got absorbed by the cavemen and the baggage has been passed on ever since. So if thats OT 3 then Im dying to find out what happens in OT 7. I guess Ill have to wait till 2015 when Avengers 2 comes out.

Alright so you may think Im recapping an episode of Stargate but basically thats what its about and after seeing the BBC Doco last night and then watching the South Park episode, its no bullshit. The BBC Doco are accounts from Scientologists who have defected from the Church and thats what they believe in. Check out this youtube link ( for the actual audio from the founder L Ron Hubbard and clips from the South Park episode. Same shit but depicted in cartoon format for easy consumption.

See Im a liberal dude. You can believe in whatever the fuck you want I dont really care. If you want to believe in the teachings of a SciFi writer that has the same name as my local Leb Kebab store owner then be my guest. You can make a church based on Nikki Minaj’s ass and Ill be cool with it. In fact I’ll even go just to check it out – for research purposes of course. The scary thing about Scientology however and what I reckon labels it a cult is the lengths they’ll go to rid itself of any bad press and what they do to members who decide to leave. See any other religion if it aint for you, then you can leave all good. With Scientology if you decide to leave, they seperate your family from you and convince (brainwash) them that you’re a defector and not to be trusted. They send your family out and have them abuse you on the street to break you down. Disconnection is a big form of punishment for them like as if disconnection from Youjizz wasnt enough. Those “auditing” sessions where you’re confessing like Usher are published in newsletters and sent to your neighbours.

In the BBC documentary it shows the camera crew being followed around filmed by people from the Church of Scientology. Its actually quite scary. The creators of South Park were actually being followed and they tried finding dirt on them but they were unsuccessful because they were already dirty kients. Its a church built on intimidation and has strict guidelines on how to live their lives. Kids as young as 5 are sent on Scientology Boot Camps known as Sea Org and are made to watch propoganda and undergo auditing. This is what people are claiming is the reason for Katie leaving Tom because she was against Suri from being sent to these camps. Personally I reckon she just saw Mission Impossible 4 and said “fuck this.” Even the way the Church goes about recruiting new members is devious. You know those “Free Stress Test” you see on George Street? That device they use is an E-Meter and after 2mins of sitting down they’ll hand you a book on Scientology. If you werent stressed before you sat down, you’ll be stressed by the time you get up.

Free stress test my ass

Free stress test my ass

If you’re gonna base a religion around Science Fiction, then theres much more better ones which are less intimidating and peaceful to base it on. Here are my top 5 –

1) Church of Star Wars – Their belief is the Force is all around you and that its OK to make out with your sister

2) Church of Matrix – Are we living in a matrix and is real life much more sinister? And can the Nokia Banana phone really slide out like that cos I had one and it was nowhere as cool

3) Church of Professor Xavier – Based on the teachings where mutants exist and humans coexist and where bald dudes still get bitches

4) Church of Kratos – It teaches you that no matter how many times you die, you can be resurrected again as long as you defeat Hades the God of the Underworld

5) Church of Aceology – Send your next pay to my account and Ill tell you what its about

And that my friends, is my crash course on Scientology. I just felt that it was my moral duty to break it down for my non-English speaking homies in case they thought Scientology was a Uni course and they tried applying for it and then left wondering why their wife is divorcing them and Baby Trang is taken away.

This entry was posted in Other shit. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to An Asian’s guide to Scientology

  1. Sandra says:

    That was hilarious T!!! I think I would join the Church of Aceology….so the money can stay in the family 🙂
    But i agree Scientology is some weird cult… I read if you cut yourself accidentally with a knife…your supposed to put the knife back to the wound so the knife absorbs all the energy from the wound. If u fall over and bump your head- your head goes back on the ground so u can send the energy back into the ground. Weird.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s