Amazing Spider-Man review – for real I actually review it this time (Part 2)

Ok so I woke up and I still could be fucked. So here’s Part 2 where I actually review the movie.

So as I mentioned in Part 1, naturally as a Spider-Man fan I had high hopes for this movie but also realistic ones I thought. I just wanted it to be better than the Avid Arad Spider-Man. It was a good movie no doubt and Tobey put in a good effort but it wasn’t perfect. And to me if you’re gonna make a reboot within a decade of the original movie that broke box office records you better be damn sure you bring it. Not only bring it but Hulk Smash it. Cos not only do you have the advantage of seeing what worked in the first movie and fixing what didnt, they also have the advantage of better CGI and shit like that.

So anyway there I sat in the cinema with my Spidey T-Shirt on with my Spidey cup filled with Sprite waiting to be blown away by Spider-Man “50 Shades of Grey” styles. My excitement soon turned to worry in the first 15mins when I realised something was going wrong. The scenes seemed very cliche, the dialogue very corny. It was like something outta “Passions”. Peter finding the briefcase that belonged to his father, Peter asking about it, his Aunt and Uncle looking at each other in the background with the “Oh fuck we forgot to throw that shit out, now we gotta base the entire movie around this shit” look. It just seemed wrong.

Even seeing the brief interaction with Peter’s parents with Peter, there didnt seem to be much of a bond there for him to be curious about what happened to them or for the audience to give a fuck. I can understand a kid getting upset about losing his parents but theres not enough of a bond there established to keep referring back to it in every argument he gets into with his Aunt & Uncle. I mean look at Batman Begins – Bruce falls into the well, his dad picks him up carries him and gives him a mad Dr Phil talk, lets him play with his stethescope and leaves the musical early cos his son was scared only to get popped in the chest. You can see the bond between the two and you can see the guilt that Bruce felt. It gave him a reason to be Batman. Seeing that made ME wanna become a crimefighter! But I hung in there expecting the movie to surprise me at any moment.

Seeing Peter in school didnt get any better. Going back to my earlier point, if you’re gonna make a reboot, make sure its better than the movie you’re rebooting. In this case it was gonna be hard to top cos Tobey Maguire nailed Peter Parker as a geek. Seeing him run for the bus and getting on the bus and the way he walked and his mannerisms was spot on! You could see the shit he was going through and you felt bad for him. You can see him admiring the girl of his dreams and you’re rooting for him to cop a root. Garfield as the nerdy Peter Parker is a hot motherfucker! He rode a skateboard and he dressed better than me (which I guess doesnt say much) and he didnt sell me that he was a nerd. He looked like one of those cool kids “pretending” to be a nerd like those cool kients in the club that wear 3D glasses with the lens popped out. Just cos you carry around a camera and wear a hoodie doesnt make you a nerd. He didnt seem like he was troubled enough or that he was alone. Like he gets beat up by Flash Thompson cos he intervened when Flash was bullying another kid, not constantly picked on outta nowhere. And if you were a nerd you wouldnt stand up to a bully for someone else’s sake. You’ll keep a low profile, go home and cry about it and write about it on your blog and then grow up to become a DJ. This is a nerd –

Now this is a nerd

Lets get onto Gwen Stacy. In the original Spider-Man movie MJ is the popular chick that doesnt take much notice of Peter. You see her dating Flash, dating other dudes and basically has no interest in Peter. But theres always that moment. The moment in movies and even in life when something happens that turns friends into something more. Farkkk full Richard Mercer moment here. Well that moment was when MJ storms out of her house crying and her and Peter share a moment together. Thats the spark that sets it all off where Peter gets to show a little bit more of himself and MJ shows more about herself. That behind that exterior much like the comics, you see the truth about MJ. That she isnt just a bimbo and that its all a facade to escape her troubled homelife living with an abusive father. You see that transition and it becomes believable that a popular chick could be interested in a nerd like Peter. So how was it in this movie? Gwen a popular chick that is (implied) giving Flash Thompson after school BJs has no idea who Peter is and in the next scene shes on mad heat for him. And in the scene after that he’s climbing through her bedroom window Dawson’s Creek styles ready to hit it with his radioactive penis. Where was the turning point to make her interested in him? Where was the build up? Either the director was forced to cut alot of those scenes out or Emma Stone still thinks shes on the set of Easy A cos the Gwen I know from the comics is no hoe. So there was definitely no chemistry there at all. No lead up no nothing.

So Im disappointed in that. But what really made it disappointing for me was Uncle Ben and Aunt May but more so Benny. Uncle Ben. First off I knew it was a mistake casting Martin Sheen as Uncle Ben I mean fuck the dude is Charlie Sheen’s dad so what kinda role model is that? Second of all he didnt make me believe that he was a nurturing and caring dude. There was nothing about him that made me believe that he would put a bandaid on my leg if I fell out of a tree or whatever the fuck kids do these days. He was not fit to speak those immortal words to Peter that he would forever live his life by and I was right. For me the biggest inconsistency was timing, delivery, pacing and definitely storyline, but Ill talk more about that later. See Im not a full blown hardcore geek that cries when something changes from the original storyline. To me comics and movies should be updated to stay relevant to the audience/reader, as long as the “essence” of the character remains and what he stands for stays true. Look at stories like Romeo and Juliet thats been retold in so many different ways but the essence and meaning always remain constant. Let me first establish to you the defining moments in Spider-Man’s life and how it failed miserably in this movie

Uncle Ben speaking those immortal words

Like Shakespeare you cant fuck around with the words that fans and even non fans know so well. The words that Spider-Man lives by. The words which makes you understand why he cant just let Doc Ock cause havoc or let Rhino run rampant around Manhattan. That “With Great Power comes Great responsibility.” Its so simple but it makes so much sense. If you have the means to help, you have the responsibility to do so. Its how Ive tried to live my life whether it be my personal life or my not so personal life as a DJ. I was in a position to do events and make money and so I did 3 charity events to raise over $35K for various charities that I gave a shit about. Its made a big impact in my life and Im sure to other fans and its an important part of any Spider-Man origin movie. In the original Spider-Man – Peter is being a cocky kient after getting his powers and his uncle has a D&M with him in the car. He spoke it so well and with so much conviction you believed him. And when Peter told him that he’s not his dad and to stop acting like one, you can see the hurt in his eyes. It killed me on the inside. And you see the look on Peter’s face seeing the regret as the car drives away not knowing that will be the last words he’ll ever say to his Uncle. Beautifully done and beautiful timing. So how is it done in this movie? “Peter you forgot to pick up your Aunt from the station. Thats such a big deal Im gonna talk your fuckin ears off about some irrelevant shit, tell you about the latest episode of Revenge and by the way you here’s some immortal words to live by cos you know forgetting to pick up your Aunt was such a big fuckin deal I had to drop it in now.” Like wtf?! First off he didnt even say the correct words, it was re-worded. I cant even remember how he said it now it was that unmemorable. Second of all the timing was fuckin off! The setting wasnt there. Its like fuckin’ dropping the peak song in a club at 10PM when theres no one there….and its a Curry party. Fuckin killed me mang!!!

This is how its meant to be done. Properly like the first time

The death of Uncle Ben

The biggest theme for Spider-Man is the feeling of guilt and how Peter deals with it through his actions. The guilt that Peter Parker carries with him for failing to simply act and stop the criminal that would later on kill his Uncle Ben. In the comics and in the first movie Spidey was pissed off at some dude that did him wrong and so when that person was robbed and ran past him, all he had to do was trip the robber over and he woulda been captured. But he didnt. The guy wasnt armed or anything just a simple crook with what coulda been an easy takedown but he didn’t do it and his uncle Ben got killed by that same guy. Aite so thats reason to feel guilty about. In this movie, he gets pissed at some dude that wouldnt sell him a drink cos he was 2c short. Alright so the guy’s a dickhead but man its not that big of a deal. If anything Peter was being a mad Jew for trying to buy a drink that he knew he was 2c short for. So anyway hes like out the door already, the bad guy steals money and hes basically all the way down the street already when the store owner is like “Why didnt you stop him?”

Alright put yourself in his AirMaxes. If I was Peter Parker, even if I had Spidey powers and a dude robbed a store and was halfway down the street I wouldnt be fucked going after him. And if he later on kills my Uncle, Id be like “WTF? What a coincidence. Hes the same guy that was in the store when I was being a Jew trying to buy a drink when I was 2c short! What a small world. I reckon we have mutual friends on Facebook” Like you’d be sad but you wouldnt regret shit. Its not as simple as sticking your foot out and stopping the guy. And the reason why the original Uncle Ben got killed to begin with was cos he got carjacked when he was just minding his own business. What does Martin Sheen do? He goes and tries to wrestle a gun out of a man’s hands when it had nothing to do with him! His life wasnt even threatened!!! Farkkkk its like these Parkers couldnt mind their own business. No offense but he deserved to get shot. If he had just let him be like any other old man he’d be at home watching “The Price is Right.” So theres no huge sense of guilt imposed onto Peter and even if there was, he didnt show it. Even when Captain Stacy got killed and Gwen appears at his door and asks him why he didnt turn up to the funeral. He doesnt apologize, he doesnt seem remorseful, he doesnt seem guilty. He basically breaks up with her.

In Spider-Man 1 and even 2 Peter feels guilty about Uncle Ben after finding out the robber he didnt stop was the murderer (all done and dusted in under 10mins) where as Andrew Garfield doesnt seem like he gives a shit about leaving his grieving Aunt every night to deal with the loss of her husband. The only thing that saved Garfield was that Sally Field wasnt believable as Aunt May so I didnt really even care! Aunt May in Avid Arad’s Spider-Man was perfect. She was caring and nice and how an Aunty should be. She looks like she belongs in an Uncle Tobey’s porridge ad. Sally Field still looked quite young and again there was no bond between the two and not much depth to her. But regardless it didnt seem as though Peter was troubled or traumatized by the murder. He just went out trying to find the killer and cracking cocky (not witty) jokes while he was doing it. Think about it, if you even suspected that the car thief he apprehended WAS your Uncle’s killer would you be cracking jokes about small knives being your biggest weakness? I doubt it. Again very inconsistent, bad timing and out of character. With Tobey he was serious, angry and down to business and it showed.

Ok now onto the Lizard. First off I didn’t expect much from him. Spider-Man’s “Joker” has always been Green Goblin. The Lizard isn’t that interesting so to make an already boring story worse, they chose a predictable villain with not much to him. With Green Goblin you get the dynamic of Norman Osborne being your best friend’s dad and seeing Harry trying to appease his dad and blaming Spider-Man for his death not knowing its your best friend. So it’s alot more interesting. It was the look of this Lizard that I found the most amusing to be honest. He had this big grin on him and so every time I saw him I didn’t feel threatened, it made me wanna buy a stuffed toy of him and hug him at night the cute kient. He could give Dorothy the Dinosaur a run for her money. I reckon he needed a snout and a lab coat. Plus he didn’t act “Lizardy” enough. Like he didn’t snarl or hiss and shiet. The action scenes were far and few in between and the final battle isn’t even worth mentioning. It didn’t keep my interest at all and I didn’t see him as much of a threat.

What added to the lack of interest in the action was just when you think it was gonna get good, it doesn’t. The movie had big issues with momentum. Take the first appearance of Curt Connors becoming the Lizard – you expect a mad display of destruction on the Brooklyn Bridge. Ooh yeah Lizard is gonna rip open that Curry Extra dude that no one understands yet he got a major part in the movie. Oh wait Spidey has arrived on the scene major throwdown for sho. Oh wait kid is in distress and needs rescuing, let’s spend the valuable few secs you have saving his life by giving him your mask for no stupid reason apart from your identity being revealed on Instagram. Stupid and corny as fuckin shit!! The kid is shit scared of him when he rocks up in his mask yet he’s more braver when he’s got that mask on??? Am I analyzing this too much or does someone feel me? “Yo don’t be scared cos I rocked up in this ski mask looking like I’m gonna gangrape yah, but hey put it on cos you’ll feel braver.” And don’t get me started on the amount of times he took off his mask. Understandable when the cops surrounded him and they took it off, that shit’s bound to happen. Taking it off for no reason to calm a kid down when you could web the little shit and rescue him – unacceptable and out of character. So yeah what you think is gonna be a throwdown doesn’t take place. It’ll switch to him at school or with Gwen and still not enough time spent on character development. Momentum was one of the major downfalls of this movie if not the biggest.


I wanted to feel like how I felt when I saw this scene

People say that I’m being harsh cos I’m a fan and that the movie was “OK”. Not great or amazing but “OK”. So OK let’s break it down purely as a standalone movie in terms of entertainment value. Removing the fact that it was a Spider-Man movie and pretending that the Tobey Maguire movie never existed – What did it have going for it? If I was watching it for the romance/drama aspect of it – I didn’t see the chemistry and connection between Peter and Gwen. There was no moment that made Gwen fall for Peter. There was no likeable trait that Peter showed for her to fall in love with him and so suddenly too. So I didnt buy it. His Uncle came across as a pestering old man that was always on Peter’s balls for everything. It didnt seem like he was imparting lessons but more lectures. I can understand why they would make Peter listen to the voicemessage at the end of the movie so it’ll have that “awww” factor but leaving a long ass message like that just cos the dude didnt pick up his Aunt? Yep once again unbelievable and too cheesy. In terms of action nothing much there. As soon as it started getting good, it stopped, then started then fizzled. In terms of storyline, the whole angle of this movie is meant to be the “Untold story of Spider-Man” – soooo what was it? Was it meant to make you intrigued by what actually happened to Peter’s parents cos that was only touched on at the start and after the credits. Apart from that it wasnt really explored and it didnt really make me want to go and google it afterwards or discuss it with fellow nerds. I was more intrigued about what I was gonna order after the movie was gonna finish. The movie was extremely long and normally I love long comic book movies hoping they’ll go for even longer but there were plenty of times when I felt restless hoping the movie would end already. And dont forget this is my idol and a movie Ive waited over 2 years to see. And even if it wasnt Id still feel restless cos there were so many unnecessary scenes which dragged on for ageessssss that couldve been better spent elsewhere. For example the scene where hes limping and they move the crane in position so he could web swing through all of them. Fark me dead. And theres a whole lot more of scenes that made me think “WTF are they doing? Is this shit really necessary?”


Or this scene. You can ignore the Black dude at the end….actually that breaks my heart too

So in terms of just a movie – it didnt fulfil the requirements of a good movie. I believe directing and storyline had the biggest part to play in that. Even people like my wife and my close friends who arent Spider-Man fans didnt enjoy the movie. And just cos Im a Spider-Man fan doesnt mean I judge the movie more harshly – if anything its the exact opposite. I WANT the movie to succeed. I WANT the movie to be good. I WANT to like it and so I force myself to see the good in it. In this movie there wasnt many. If any. (Uh uh I dont know anybody. Sorry.) I do think that this movie was worse than Spider-Man 1, 2 and yes even 3. Cos even though 3 was flawed and there was so many things wrong with it, there were still scenes in it that moved me. That made me believe that was my hero there on the big screen. The scene where MJ breaks up with Peter breaks my heart every time and you can feel the emotion and desperation in his voice. It touched me so much that I used it in my (platinum) MixCD “Still DUI” which can still be downloaded here – http://soundcloud.com/djacemusic/dj-ace-still-dui-2007. Shameless plug. Actually fuck that its my site. Its like when Padme tells Anakin that hes breaking her heart before he force chokes the shit outta her. But yeah thats just proof that I can see the good in movies when as a whole it is bad. In this one I couldnt maybe save one moment and that was when Flash is trying to console Peter after he loses his Uncle cos I know that Flash is actually a real nice guy but thats for another post.

In my opinion Tobey Maguire is a better Peter Parker, and Andrew Garfield is a better Spider-Man but only slightly. Neither have nailed it down totally. Im more harsher on Garfield cos he knew what to expect. Maguire didnt. In defence of Garfield though script and directing may have let him down but I guess we’ll have to see in the next movie. And no matter what Ill still be there for the next movie with my Spidey shirt on and with my Spidey cup in my hand excited to watch the next movie cos thats what real fans do. Spider-Man holds a special place in my heart cos he got me through school and Im sure he has for shitloads of other nerds out there. He didnt give up on the Ace and so Im not gonna give up on him. And that my friends, is how you end a movie review.

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My (not-so) Amazing Spider-Man review (Part 1)

I havent updated this site for fuck knows how long – actually it was before I was married and just after I got engaged. 2 years ago! It was so long I had to click on “Forgot Password” to retrieve my password. It even took a while to get that cos the answer to the secret question was “asdaldkjlkjqwe.” Like who can be fucked filling those parts in cos you’re always thinking “Ah how hard is it to remember my name with a 1 at the end?”

So anyway what has sparked me to update this neglected site? The Amazing Spider-Man movie. I know theres alot of websites and critics that have been giving it rave reviews but fuck what Richard Wilkins thinks. Before I start Im just gonna say Im gonna (try) and review this movie as objectively as possible – purely from an entertainment stand-point and as a Spider-Man groupie.

First off I had high hopes for this movie. Seeing Andrew Garfield at Comic Con last year and talking about how much Spider-Man meant to him and what he represented, it really touched me. And it made me touch myself. I thought finally – someone who understands what Spider-Man represents. Finally someone who had the same background as me and understands how the character impacted his life. Finally someone who can lead us out of the Tobey Maguire darkness *Cue Enrique Iglesias – “Hero” or Mariah Carey “Hero” both are pretty good. Even Nas – “Hero” isnt too bad but its not as dramatic….anywayyyyy* Everything he spoke about was the same way I felt about Spider-Man. It gave me goosebumps cos I thought if this guy is a genuine fan then he’ll do it justice. He made me believe. It was that good that it inspired alot of the points in my wedding speech a few months later.

Leading up to the movie I was surprised at just how much footage was being released. OK sure I went to the sneak peek session where they showed 9mins of footage but even if I hadnt there was just way too much footage being released. I think some dude on VIMEO actually stitched together all the footage that was released and it totalled 25mins. That was the first indication where I felt like the studios were getting a bit desperate. Yet I still hung in there cos it could just be the marketing department. I understood that alot of fanboys were reluctant to watch the movie because they felt as though it was only 5 years since the last movie and its too soon for a reboot. That could be the reason why they released so much footage and trying to push the fact that it was the “Untold story” of Spider-Man. However that wasnt the selling point for me. The selling point for me was the fact that this time, instead of having Mary Jane they would have Gwen Stacy.

Gwen Stacy for all of you who dont know was Peter Parker’s first love. I have and always will be Team MJ, but I totally understand Gwen Stacy’s place in Peter Parker’s life. Theres always gonna be that girl you’re meant to be with and you end up with – thats MJ. No one else can take that place. Theres also gonna be that first love in high school that first took notice of you and shit didnt work out and you occasionally think what if? For Peter its Gwen Stacy and for him its what if (spoiler) Green Goblin didnt throw her off the Brooklyn Bridge and (spoiler) kill her. I didnt know too much about Emma Stone but after hearing that she was playing the part of Gwen, I watched Easy A and The Help and I immediately knew that she was gonna be perfect for the role. It was the same way when I found out Kirsten Dunst was playing MJ – I watched Bring it on. That was how dedicated I was. Seeing the preview and the scene where Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone were in the hallway flirting with each other and seeing that chemistry between the two got me excited. I mean the chemistry must have been real good if theyre actually fuckin in real life right? Gwen Stacy isnt depicted much in movies and to have her character explored was an exciting prospect.

So weeks leading into the movie I avoided Facebook, reviews, Twitter, anything that would get my hopes up higher than it already was however I did set myself up with what I believe was a realistic expectation – As long as the movie was better than Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man then Id be happy. To me it didnt seem like a hard goal – perfect casting, director of one of my fav romantic movies (500 days of summer) and improved CGI. So I didnt think it was setting the benchmark too high.

Let me first speak about the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man. When I first watched it – I loved it. I reckon Tobey Maguire played Peter Parker perfectly – the awkward, nervous and shy nerd at school getting picked on by everyone and not catching a break at all. The only thing I didnt like about it was when he put the mask on, as Spider-Man, he didnt show enough of the confident and witty persona hes known for. Cos nothing is worse than getting your ass served to you by a guy wearing spandex and having him roast you at the same time. Cos that was Spider-Man to me. The nerdy guy out of costume but in costume he was confident and cracked jokes so he wouldnt shit his pants. He played Peter Parker perfectly but he didnt do Spider-Man justice. Plus hes a shit cryer. Seeing him cry just made me wanna cry at how bad his crying was. Which was a crying shame cos everything else was good. So I enjoyed the movie for what it was at the time, even watching it 3 times in the cinemas which is probably why it did so well at the box office. The movie had enough action, romance and story to please the 4 demographics of movie go-ers – the male/female under 25s and the over 25s male/females. Dont forget though this was before Batman Begins, before Iron Man, before Dark Knight and every other comic book movie thats come out after it. That was when we saw how good comic book movies COULD be and seeing the footage of Andrew Garfield and seeing that they were going back to webshooters, alot of fans including myself started ditching Tobey hoping that this Spider-Man would be everything that the first Spider-Man wasnt. And it was. It was worse.

(To be continued…if I can be fucked…)

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Inception review by Jon Bling

“My first special guest reviewer is no other than fellow Dirty Dex member and up and coming movie director – Jon Bling. This review based on his background in Film studies so its a bit more educated than my review. A bit of trivia – he filmed my proposal video and since my girlfriend said yes, you can imagine how goddamn good he is. More special guest posters to come. Enjoy.”
– Ace
———————————————————————————
INCEPTION = WOW

That was my first and only thought after viewing this highly anticipated film of 2010.

Im pretty sure 99% of everyone reading this have either seen this film or bought an illegal copy of it overseas. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to explain the story again but give you a more or less description of the ideas behind this incredible movie. A movie that will leave you breathless, intrigued and purely mind-fucked!

The director, Christopher Nolan, has an obsession with characters who’s internal purpose in life can ultimately destroy their external exisitence. You can see this in his last couple of films with “The Prestige”, “Batman Begins” and “Memento”. And this is best way to describe Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Dom Cobb, who’s only real goal in this film is to see his kids again. Something that any single-divorced father can relate to after losing custody of his children. And in this case, he’s stealing shit in your sub-conscious.

Most would describe the film as silly but that’s the reason why we go to the movies. To see reality rip itself apart and given to us in a whole new light. What makes this film work is that it belongs in a new genre of films of late called “Magic Realism”. This is considered when the reality inside the film is altered with a single idea that can twist the film around and show you a whole new world of life. Films such as “Field Of Dreams” and “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind” belong in this category. It could happen in real life but it can’t right? Who knows.

I really liked “Inception” and not because I’m a huge fan of Christoper Nolan, although he is working on “Batman 3” and “The Man Of Steel” simultaneously so I’m not the only one who is in love with him. But because every film he makes has the same style, technique and quality to it. And that is pretty damn good! Most directors out there switch their style or themes to avoid being typecast but Nolan utilizes what he knows best and does it over and over. Everything from casting to cinematography to editing is all relatable to his other works. The best example of this is the multi-narrative editing device whereby showing three different scenes that are happening at the same time will give the audience a great sense of uneasiness and therefore a edge-of-your-seat feeling. Compare the climax of “Inception” to the boat scene in “The Dark Knight” and tell me what you think. Another fantastic element of “Inception” is the musical score. Didn’t it just make the film more thrilling? We all remember the joker’s theme in “The Dark Knight” and how that made us cringe in the cinema. This was no exception

For an official rating, I give it 9 out 10.

INCEPTION TRIVIA

– Cobb only wears his wedding ring when his wife is alive in his dreams
– Cobb’s wife’s name is “Mal”… which is translated as wrong/bad/evil or pain in French, Spanish and Portuguese
– James Franco (Green Goblin Jnr.) was suppose to play Arthur
Posted in Movies, Other shit | 7 Comments

A male’s guide on how to buy a diamond ring

When I decided to end my life and propose to When I decided to make the best decision of my life and propose to my girlfriend I was thankful for one thing – she wanted to choose her own ring. Im so glad that was the case because if buying a ring was anything like how I dress myself, then the ring would be wearing a small grey Dickies hoodie and a comic shirt 24/7. It’s alot of money to spend and after a month of ring shopping I’ve realised a diamond ring is very unique to each girl and so unless you can do some mad Inception shit and plant $50 rings in her head, its best to let her choose. However if you look like Shrek, dont have any creative way to propose and she’s only with you for your dollar bills and you wanna impress her with a ring, then here’s my top 5 tips on how to buy a diamond ring. This is from my perspective and experiences cos Im sure theres some casual Goldmark workers out there that are experts who can/will correct me.

I know I know Im awesome

1. Stick to your budget

Generally the rule of thumb is the ring should be approximately 3mths of your pay which is about right. Just dont try to do what I do and be unemployed 3 mths before you propose cos it doesnt work. They take last year’s tax returns, factor in your DJ pay and the money you steal every week from the tip plate at Bamboo and they work it out from there. Just make sure you have a budget in mind and stick to it because you can easily get carried away. Im the type that hates shopping and so the first day of ring shopping we saw a ring we liked that was $5k over the budget and I was like yeah just throw it in the bag and lets go Superbowl. Luckily my fiance had more sense than my dollars and said it was a waste of money and we should look around. It was only after I left the store did I realise that $5k is alot of strippers for the bucks. Remember the ring is only the first step and you still have the wedding to pay for so unless its a Green Lantern ring, make sure you stick to budget!

2. Buying retail isnt always the best

And most times it isnt. You can buy a diamond from a wholesaler and get it set for almost half the price. And also the good thing is you have more of a range of diamonds to choose from where as the retailers only have a small amount. Its good to go to retail stores to get an idea of what you want and then getting it custom made. By custom making your ring not only are you saving, but its unique to you. Also the diamond selecting process becomes very personal and you do kind of grow an attachment to it because its like customizing your avatar in a RPG. There’s different attributes that you can ask for depending on your budget. These attributes are discussed in the next tip.

3. KNOW your 4 C’s

Try to forget about the 5 D’s of dodgeball for a moment and try to focus here on the 4 C’s of diamonds cos this is important especially to you guys. Before I went diamond shopping the only things I knew about diamonds was from a Kanye West song, so obviously shit all. Fortunately for me and my partner we were given a crash course in diamonds which gave us a better understanding of what to look out for. To all those who dont know, the 4 C’s are – Cut, Colour, Clarity and Carat. Obviously different people place different emphasis on what’s important to them but I believe that the order should be what I listed. Ill give a quick run down on what each category is and why I believe its important.

Cut – You want a diamond that sparkles and the cut is what makes it sparkle. The more cuts it has and the more sharper the cuts, the more light that gets in and reflects around. You want a diamond that people can be like “Did a speed camera just flash me or was that your ring. Goddamn homie.” The way it was explained to us was you can pay more for chicken pieces at Rose Bay and pay less down West, they may both weigh the same but the Rose Bay chicken would have less skin and be better quality. Same goes with the cut. The cut is ranked by Excellent, Very Good, Shit, and Ghetto.

Colour – This is how white the diamond is. Obviously the whiter the better. The scale is from D (best) down to N (Im assuming it stands for the derogatory word for African Americans). Anything from H upwards to D is white. The only way you can tell a H from say a G to a  F grade is if you put them next to each other. So H onwards is fine. Anything below H is pretty noticeable. I actually had a look at diamonds which were below H and believe me it looks like someone pissed in it. Its that yellow. They try to jazz it up by calling them “champagne diamonds” but yeah its fully no frills. They occur in nature near the surface and absorb more sun so thats why they’re yellow

Clarity – This is the imperfections and specs in the diamond. It ranges from Flawless to VVS (very very small) to S1 to fucked up. Theres other categories as well like internal flaws, external flaws and other shit but basically what you need to know is that anything from S1 upwards to flawless is not noticeable to the naked eye. And definitely not noticeable if you’re Korean. The international standard of magnification to check out diamonds is 10x and unless you’re carrying one around no one really cares. There’s a feel good factor and a practical factor – like fake tits. You can fork out $15k to make sure its a close to flawless diamond that no one will even notice unless you got the GIA certificate stuck to your forehead or you can be practical and just get a diamond that has no noticeable flaws. Anything below S1 is noticeable.

Carat – Carat is the weight and thats just up to the person. Discussed more in my next tip.

So basically what you want is a sparkling diamond that is as white as you can get it that doesnt have any noticeable flaws and the size depends on you. Its about quality cos you can have a 1 carat ring but it’ll be a piece of shit.

4. Size doesn’t matter

Ironic coming from an asian I know but its true. Some people buy a 1 carat ring just because it sounds ballin’ and it does sound ballin’ but really the difference between a 0.9 carat to a 1 carat is double the price. And the difference in diameter is the size of a pubic hair. Honestly the guy showed us. The difference in diameter that is, not his pubic hair. It also depends on the girl’s hand and what size diamond would look good on it. Sometimes a bigger diamond looks too big on her hand and it just looks too fake.

5. Everything’s negotiable

Walk into every store like its Bing Lee and just haggle the shit out of them. Make them throw in free cleaning, free Ipod charger, their first born anything you can get. Usually you can take off a few hundred off. Remember the goal of all this is to save as much money for your bucks as possible.

And so there it is guys. My guide to buying a diamond ring. Its as practical as I can make it. So be smart about buying a diamond ring so you can count your money at the end so you can count it at your bucks. Till next time – count it!

Posted in Other shit | 7 Comments

My thoughts on Inception

OK I’ve hit 48hrs with maybe 90mins of sleep so Im pretty fucked up at the moment but my mind is still racing. Maybe cos I was exhausted after dinner and so to make it through the 7:30PM session of Inception, I downed another can of Mother. I swear someone’s gonna find me in my room one day all Heath Ledgered out with Mother cans all around me. Anyway I wanted to briefly write about Inception while Im feeling like I need a totem to distinguish whether I’m dreaming or if its reality.

First off Im not gonna talk too much about the movie cos theres plenty of reviews on the net about it and nerds explaining it on youtube etc. Also because Im going to get special guest reviewer and fellow Dirty Dex member DJ Sensation to do a more indepth review about it since he studies Film so I’ll leave that to him. All I will say about the movie is that its fuckin awesome and you need to pay attention to understand the movie and the different levels. Or do what I did and just go without sleep for a day or so and watch it and it’ll make perfect sense. What I will talk about is some other aspects of the movie and what I found interesting.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Riddler. Fuck yeah!

As soon as the movie started and Leonardo DiCaprio was talking to the Last Samurai guy about training his mind to defend attackers and to set up precautions, the first thing that popped into my head was Grant Morrisson’s Batman. In particular the Batman R.I.P. issues #676-681. To all those who arent comic book geeks, this was a story arc where a group that called themselves the Black Glove tried to invade Bruce Wayne’s mind and pretty much break him. But if you know anything about Batman than you know he’s prepared for anything. I reckon he’s even got a coupla RU486 pills in his utility belt for safe measure. Anyway Batman trained his mind to take on an alter ego or a backup alias in case his Batman persona got jeopardised. Im not saying that Nolan used this idea to make Inception but I really do think that since Nolan is so closely tied in with Batman he would have incorporated some of this into the story.

Also the concept of reality and dreams is used alot in Batman stories especially when it concerns the Scarecrow. There was this one particular comic where Bruce’s parents are alive and he’s living his ideal life and everything is going right for him. He’s just an ordinary rich guy with no problems but he constantly has a niggling feeling that something is wrong. What he found weird was whenever he opened up a book all the words would be scribbles and apparently that only happens in dreams, and obviously that was enough to tip off the greatest detective in the world. He knew that the only way he could wake up from the dream was to simulate a “kick” and so he jumped off a building and woke up to reality to drop Scarecrow on his ass. I reckon Nolan “could’ve” used that idea as well.

I found the idea of music playing just before a kick was going to happen quite clever because we’ve all experienced it. When you hear a police siren while you’re sleeping and it suddenly appears in your dreams or when you hear the toilet flush and you pee your bed. Not that its happened to me……and even if it did fuck you. Its when you hear something in the real world in your dreams and it alerts you to the fact that you’re consciously dreaming. Its called Lucid Dreaming and in fact scientists have been studying this for a while. When we dream our eyelids move at a certain REM (Rapid Eye Movement) and scientists have developed glasses you can wear that blinks a blue light when your REM reaches dream state. So in your dream when you see the blue light you know its a dream and you can manipulate your dream to do whatever you want. Which in everyone’s case is to be me.

On a final note before I pass out, if the rumours are true and Chris Nolan does cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Riddler than he’s a freakin genius. Cos I can so picture him playing the part. I cant picture Eddie Murphy who’s also in the running for the role cos not only is the Riddler not black (didnt stop Marvel from casting Kingpin) but Eddie’s laugh would remind me too much of Donkey from Shrek. I reckon Eddie Murphy would undo all of Nolan’s great work and turn Batman into a comedy like what Clooney did. Also Ive been a big fan of Joseph since 3rd Rock from the Sun and not only cos he had nice silky long hair either, but after watching 500 Days of Summer. you know the kid can act.

Anyway thats my 2c and also if you want to save money at the cinemas, book your tickets online and just buy student tix. No one checks. Til next time, count it!

Posted in Comics, Movies | 3 Comments

Vanity @ Verandah (Saturdays) – The review

I shouldn’t of had that can of Red Bull on top of that can of Mother on top of that free Michel’s Patisserie coffee. Now I cant sleep. And there’s still another 15 cans of Mother left in my room. Damn you 7-Eleven and your 1 dollar day! I figured since Im up I may as well review tonight’s club. My friend Scottie actually told me to review his club and I told him to fuck off cos aceability is an independent and unbiased website which serves the needs of the community and will not be swayed by corporate endorsements. And so after he gave me a free drink card and flashed me a smile I agreed to write a review. I mean how can you resist that? For anyone who hasn’t met Scottie just picture Channing Tatum from Step Up, Brad Pitt from Troy and Daniel Craig from Bond and he’s nothing like any of them.

Anyway so tonight was a special night at Vanity @ Verandah Bar. Justice Crew – the winners of Australia’s Got Talent were performing and since they have a strong following, I knew it was going to be a busy night and as with most things I was right. I stood in the long line freezing my ass off as database girls hounded me to sign up while guys were on their cell phones trying to call someone that knows someone to get them in. I felt like the biggest loser…….just playin’. I was just trying to picture myself as one of the commoners as I walked past the line and straight into the club cos Im awesome. The thing you should know about me is I hate lining up for anything. I wont even line up for Yum Cha. I carry around a book of raffle tickets and whenever they call a number, I rip it out of my book and hand it over. It also works at charity giveaways but lets not abuse our power now.

The club was pumping and the DJ was warming up the crowd for my favourite DJ who was going to jump behind the dex. After what felt like an eternity he finally got behind the wheels of steel to the thunderous applause and cheers of the crowd. He looked so awesome in his Kikstyo shirt that he paid $90 for in Japan and his red hoodie reppin’ his crew that can be purchased at www.facebook.com/dirtydexcrew for the low price of $50 excluding P&H. From the very start he commanded the attention of the room as he seamlessly mixed in party favourites with new hits with every song hitting home. As I stood there, I mean as HE stood there mixing in the songs all I could think about was “I hope I dont fuck up when to press play for the Justice crew.” You’d think that after pressing play for the Jabbawockeez in front of 2000+ people I would’ve overcome my fear by now but I havent. Its like when you were back at school and you were chosen as the person who rang the bell for lunch. You get nervous cos you dont wanna fuck it up. “What if I ring the bell for too long?” “What if the bell doesnt ring at all and no one ever has lunch?” Pressing that one button becomes a real burden. However when the Justice Crew came on, the musical timing was impeccable and the performance was pulled off brilliantly and the team established why they are Australia’s premier dancing crews. Though everyone was amazed by the performance, it was the DJ’s ability to press play that was truly the highlight of the night. People were patting him on the back and I think I even saw him re-enact the moment he pressed play in slow-mo for a fan. A true legend.

The venue was good, the crowd was good and the cloakroom was also good. It was even staffed by DJ Stib – a local celebrity in his rural town of Blacktown and star of the upcoming TV series – “The DJ wants a wife.” Overall it was a good night out whether you’re behind the dex, pretending to be behind the dex or in front of it. It brings back much needed class to clubbing and they even have a media wall you can take a photo in front of so you can feel like a celebrity, even though you lined up for 1hr in the line.

Count it!

Posted in Other shit | 1 Comment

Tonight’s dinner review – 29th July,2010

Com tam bi suon cha aka Pork with Broken rice

This was going to be my first food review for the site and so I wanted to make sure it was somewhere special. I decided to go to the famous Vietnamese restaurant located in Punchbowl known as “My house.” My house is best known for its fusion of ghetto and Viet cooking and boasts 4 Michelin (tyres). A step up from its previous Dunlop tyres.

As I walked into the restaurant there was nobody to take my coat or welcome me in. After a few frustrating mins waiting to be seated I decided to make myself at home and sat at the only table in the restaurant which over looked a playpen. If I didnt know any better I would’ve thought I walked into a childcare center but then again what do you expect from asian restaurants. The menu was fairly limited, in fact there was only one thing on the menu. Luckily for them it was my favourite dish – Com tam bi suon cha otherwise known as number 37 in any reputable Vietnamese restaurant. After waiting a few more mins to be served, I got fed up and decided to serve myself thinking they must have adopted the lazy Korean way of dining which is doing everything your damn self.

I decided since the service was lacking I was going to make the most of the food which was what I did. I plated up 2x marinated pork chops, shredded beef, tomatoes, cucumbers and when I reached for the fried egg I realised there wasnt any. No com tam is complete without a fried egg. I asked the lady who I assumed worked there where the fried eggs were at. Though dressed inappropriately in what seemed to be her pajamas, she seemed like a lovely lady in her mid 50s until she responded to my question with “theres eggs in the fridge, a frying pan under the stove, you know what to do.” I was appalled with the service and her lack of recognition of who I am (Famous international superstar DJ for all those who dont know by now). If it wasnt for the fact that I CBF’d putting on pants and shoes, I would’ve went to Habibs. So I fried my own egg.

Im glad I stayed because after I took my first bite it was heaven. It was reminiscent of when I was young and my mum cooked that dish for me. The tender pork was beautifully marinated and worked well with the coolness of the cucumbers and the tomatoes. The fried egg was cooked to perfection and everything was topped off with the saltiness of nuoc mam (fish sauce) which was balanced out with the broken rice. I’m embarrassed to say I may have pre-ejaculated cos it was that good. The thing that ruined my culinary orgasm was the ambiance and the atmosphere. There were kids running around, the TV was on, and don’t get me started with the state of their toilet. Blergh.

Apart from the service (lack of) and hygiene (Im quite sure the food was prepared on the floor), it was a delicious meal that displayed the best of Vietnamese and ghetto cooking. I will most probably come back again, most likely tomorrow.  And since I dont want to piss off the owners of the place, and because I love my mum so much – I give it 10/10.

Count it!

Posted in Food | 9 Comments